The 2007 SATU Review of Summer Movies (Part IV)

By Archie Garcia

Note: This Part IV of a four part column.

Part IV:

After a lengthy introduction and the review of many films, here is Part IV of the 2007 SATU Summer Movie Review.

The SATU star rating:

5 stars: Masterpiece. This rating is very rare and is only given to special films that change cinema, redefine their respective genre, or create a new genre altogether. A 5-star film demands a special edition DVD purchase.

4 stars: Excellent. This rating ensures the directing, writing, and acting are of the highest quality. This rating warrants a DVD purchase.

3 stars: Good. This rating says that the film is made well enough to entertain and while it may not always deserve a DVD purchase, it will make a solid rental.

2 stars: Fair (or average). This rating shows that the film has its good and bad points. The film can entertain a times, but has its share of flaws. Rent at your own risk.

1 star: Poor. This rating is a red flag that tells you to stay clear of it. Do not rent. If a friend rents it and invites you over, tell them you are busy. Well, unless you are sexually attracted to that particular friend.

0 stars: Feces. This rating ensures that the film is garbage. All copies of should be burned. Or at the very least, the DVDs should be made into drink coasters.

Transformers: Now for most guys, this movie was highly anticipated. But I am not most guys.

As soon as I saw that Michael Bay was set to direct this movie, I wanted to orchestrate a hit on him. I did not want him to ruin a cherished piece of my childhood, which was a was show with cool Japanese inspired animation and crappy voice acting called Transformers.

Transformers was a killer show growing up and it explains a lot about men in general. Just like the film Dirty Dancing says a lot about women in general.

Dirty Dancing/Transformers corollary: Very many women love Dirty Dancing, even though it is a flawed film filled with mediocre directing, bad writing, and piss poor acting. Regardless of its numerous flaws that fans (of Dirty Dancing) are more than ready to acknowledge, women still love this film.

Well, very many women love their boyfriends, even though they can be flawed with mediocre listening skills, bad set of morals, and piss poor decision making. Regardless of their numerous flaws that women are more than ready to acknowledge, women still love their boyfriends.

Transformers was pretty much almost every young boy's favorite cartoon in the '80s, replacing He-Man and the Masters of the Universe and the anime hit, Voltron. Eventually, Transformers was replaced by another wonderful piece of Japanese animation, Thundercats. And then a few years down the road, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles would trump them all.

For most kids born from 1977 to 1982, this marked the era of great cartoons that were marketed with great toys, and eventually parents growing insane trying to keep up with the interest of their boys. It seemed as if boys could not be satisfied with any set of toys for a long period of time, no matter how great they were to begin with. And that pretty much sums up how men are with women.

Anyway, as for this movie, it is highly flawed. It's a Michael Bay film, which means it is big, loud, and stupid. At one point, I was so overwhelmed by action, I wanted the film to slow down a bit so I could regroup and catch by breath. Sometimes, there was so much CGI going on at once, it was hard to follow what was happening. Regardless, as flawed as it was, it was enjoyable.

Everything is cyclical. Now the young boys of today have their Dirty Dancing. And older men, such as myself, have something to bring us back to our childhood.

Nobody puts Optimus Prime in the corner.

Rating: 3 stars.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: I cannot believe that the movie world has now experienced the release of not one or two, but five Harry Potter films. I remember back in 2001, when the first film was released and wondering what the hell the big deal was all about.

I went to the first movie, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, and enjoyed it. The die hard Harry Potter fans (idiots) complained that it sucked, even though it was exactly like the book.

The following year, I went to the second movie, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, and enjoyed it more than the first. The die hard Harry Potter fans (morons) hated it, even though it was exactly like the book.

After two entertaining films (at least to me) that set a solid foundation for the HP franchise. Christopher Columbus gave up the director's chair in an effort to stay behind the scenes and produce. The die hard Harry Potter fans (twits) rejoiced.

The third film saw the mega talented Alfonso Cuarón take over the franchise and he delivered Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, which could arguably be the best Harry Potter film to date. The die hard Harry Potter fans (imbeciles) hated it because was not exactly like the book. They were upset that Cuarón opted to cut some of the book out of the finished film.

The fourth film, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, brought in a new director, Mike Newell. He also opted to cut out a lot of the fat from the book in order to deliver a highly entertaining action extravaganza. The die hard Harry Potter fans (nitwits) hated him for it.

So here we are at the fifth film, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix that features a new director, David Yates and a new writer, Michael Goldenberg, who replaces the writer of the first four films, Steve Kloves.

And well, this was a terrible idea. Somehow, Yates and Goldenburg manage to take the longest HP book in the series and adapt it into the shortest HP movie to date. Oh yeah, this was also the worst HP movie to date as well.

Wow. This movie really sucked. It is really slow. The movie basically repeats and rehashes everything fans of the franchise have seen in the first four films. We do not learn anything new that moves the plot along further, except for two small things:

***SPOILERS AHEAD***

1) Harry's biological parents were really mean to Severus Snape.

2) Sirius Black dies.

***END OF SPOILERS***

I spent $10 to see learn two new things that barely push the plot forward. With that said, if you want to save $10 and 138 minutes your life, go back and read those two spoilers.

Oh yeah, die hard Harry Potter fans (dummies) hate it because so much of the book was cut out.

Clearly, I am not a big fan of Harry Potter aficionados. Why?

Because they swear Harry Potter is some sort of amazing literary achievement. They are books written for children. They are unhappy if a movie is exactly like the book and they are unhappy if the a movie is not exactly like they book. Essentially, they are never happy with the handling of silly children's fantasy books. Get over yourselves.

Anyway, the movie really sucked. I read that they are bringing back David Yates as director. I just hope they bring back the old writer to steer the franchise back in the right direction.

Rating: 1.5 stars.

The Simpsons Movie: The show rocks 22 minutes at a time, pretty much every single time. Can it be done four times in a row with a cohesive plot?

Of course! We're talking about Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, Maggie, and the rest of the Springfield gang.

Anyway, if you like the Simpsons, then go watch this movie. If you not like the Simpons, then don't go watch this movie. And if you have never heard of the Simpsons until now, welcome to planet Earth. I hope enjoy my writing.

Rating: 3 stars.

The Bourne Ultimatum: The first release, The Bourne Identity, was not very impressive, but it delivered enough (2.5 stars) to merit a sequel. The sequel, The Bourne Supremacy, was a definite improvement on the first film and it showed the franchise was heading in the right direction.

So here we are, the third and, supposedly, final film in the franchise. Well, this is the best movie in the series. It rocks from beginning to end. It delivers creative action scenes and loads of suspenseful sequences. And yet again, Matt Damon brings the acting goods.

Matt Damon is clearly a talented actor, but why is he being considered for the "Sexiest Man Alive" award. Really?

He is not very attractive. He looks like an ugly, overgrown elf. Then again, People magazine once named the 30-year old Ben Affleck the sexiest man alive in 2002, the 51-year old Nick Nolte in 1992, and the mega bald and fat 59-year old Sean Connery in 1989.

Anyway, The Bourne Ultimatum is one of the better movies of the summer. Go watch it, even if Matt Damon looks like an ugly, overgrown elf.

Rating: 3.5 stars.

Rush Hour 3: When Rush Hour was released in 1998, it made history. It featured two minority actors in the lead roles. I remember really enjoying it and the soundtrack, which featured the song "Can I Get A…" that featured three artists with interesting stories.

1) Jay-Z: After the death of Tupac and Biggie, he went on to become the best rapper alive, take over hip-hop, release a successful clothing line, date one of the hotter pop stars in recent memory (Beyoncé), retire, and eventually return to recording albums. And he did all this while being really ugly.

2) Ja Rule: Became one of, if not the most, annoying rapper in history. His career was pretty much ended by Eminem and Dr. Dre in 2004. But he did manage to sell millions of records and star in movies for an extended period of time. And he did all of this while being mildly retarded.

3) Amil: She pretty much set the template for women I would date in the future: Annoying to listen to, but nice to look at.

Whatever happened to her?

Anyway, a sequel was not necessary, but in 2001, Rush Hour 2 was released and in a terrible year for summer movies, it ended up being a bright spot.

That movie was a farewell to both Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker. Chan went on to make terrible American movies and was barely heard from again. Chris Tucker was thrown in jail for extorting $20 million from New Line Cinema.

Kidding. Well, sort of.

He actually just demanded $20 million for Rush Hour 2 and they paid him. He then disappeared for 6-years. He pulled a "Dave Chappelle," before Dave Chapelle pulled a "Dave Chapelle."

Anyway, it is 2007 and Chan is back. And so is Tucker, for another $20 million. Well, since Chris Tucker obviously thinks he is A-list, $20 million material I have boycotted this movie so he is humbled and starts doing new and more exciting projects. I wish I was kidding.

Oh yeah, another reason for my boycott of this summer movie is because Brett Ratner, the director of the first two RH movies is back for the third installment. But after what he did to the X-Men franchise back last year, I am boycotting his future films until he apologizes to all of the fans or makes something worth watching.

Rating: N/A

Superbad: A few years ago, two 14-year old boys wrote a screenplay about themselves. One of the two boys ended up making it in Hollywood as an actor. His name is Seth Rogen and he is ready to explode into the mainstream. And no, that is not in reference to his weight.

The movie is filled with references from '80s. I have come to conclusion this movie takes place in the late '90s and this is when Seth and Evan are graduating. The only anachronism I could find was them referencing Shakira, who became popular in America in 2001. But hey, she was an international superstar before then, so yeah, this could very well still take place in the late '90s.

Anyway, this is a killer comedy. It will make you laugh a lot.

I am McLovin'.

Rating: 3.5 stars

Halloween: Why would I want to watch a remake of a classic movie John Carpenter did it right the first time.

Sorry, Rob Zombie.

Rating: N/A

Well, that's it. The summer has ended and so have the summer movie releases for this year. SATU will be back next year with another set of summer movie reviews.

Well, that is if I do not die from a popcorn butter induced heart attack.

ARCHIE GARCIA watches way too many movies and needs more exercise. E-mail him your comments, questions, and suggestions to sexandtheuniversity@hotmail.com

The 2007 SATU Review of Summer Movies (Part III)

By Archie Garcia

Note: This is Part III of a four part column.

Part III:

After a lengthy introduction, followed by the the review of several films, here are some more movie reviews.

The SATU star rating:

5 stars: Masterpiece. This rating is very rare and is only given to special films that change cinema, redefine their respective genre, or create a new genre altogether. A 5-star film demands a special edition DVD purchase.

4 stars: Excellent. This rating ensures the directing, writing, and acting are of the highest quality. This rating warrants a DVD purchase.

3 stars: Good. This rating says that the film is made well enough to entertain and while it may not always deserve a DVD purchase, it will make a solid rental.

2 stars: Fair (or average). This rating shows that the film has its good and bad points. The film can entertain a times, but has its share of flaws. Rent at your own risk.

1 star: Poor. This rating is a red flag that tells you to stay clear of it. Do not rent. If a friend rents it and invites you over, tell them you are busy. Well, unless you are sexually attracted to that particular friend.

0 stars: Feces. This rating ensures that the film is garbage. All copies of should be burned. Or at the very least, the DVDs should be made into drink coasters.

Knocked Up: Director Judd Apatow, who was once practically ignored when it came to his television shows such as "Freaks and Greeks" and "Undeclared," is now finding an audience with his films.

In 2005, The 40-Year Old Virgin brought huge laughs and most importantly, huge heart to the comedy genre. In 2007, he does it again with Knocked Up.

I laughed continuously throughout this film, even though it dragged on about 10-minutes too long. Sure, it is filled with crass humor, but it had enough heart to entertain the the female that accompanied me the movie theater.

Many people, especially women, are being turned off by the movie before even watching it because they cannot grasp how someone as beautiful as Kathryn Heigl can be attracted to someone as unattractive as Seth Rogen.

Ironically, most of these women have hideous looking boyfriends.

Rating: 3.5 stars.

Ocean's Thirteen: Ocean's Eleven, the remake to the 1960 film of the same name, was entertaining, but really overrated. If the same movie had been made, but with less attractive no-name actors, most people would not have gone crazy about it. Then again, most people are stupid.

Ocean's Twelve was a mess. I was thoroughly bored and do not remember anything about it except Julia Robert's character, Tess, trying to act like Julia Roberts. This was a stupid premise and not that funny, but it was pretty consistent with the rest of the movie. And by consistent, I mean unfunny, stupid, and terrible.

Ocean's Thirteen was solid, but not very memorable. I was entertained, but I do not expect to watch it again. I hope director Steven Soderbergh finds something more worthwhile to do in the future. I feel Ocean's 14 would be a bad idea.

Rating: 2.5 stars.

4: Rise of the Silver Surfer: The first Fantastic Four movie was far from fantastic. Everyone seemed miscast, especially Jessica Alba who went on to earn a Razzie nominmation for her portrayal of Invisible Woman. The writing was weak. The action was uninspired. Fantastic Four was just a bad movie.

I remember watching it with my sister and her friends on DVD. About 20-minutes in, I realize that I am watching a terrible movie, so to entertain myself I begin adding my own brand of color commentary throughout various bad points movie, of which there were many.

About halfway through, I got really bored of trashing it every few minutes. I wanted to leave, but much to my spotlight loving sister's chagrin, her friends begged me to stay so I could poke fun at it some more. That is just how bad the first movie was.

I did not watch FF2, nor do I plan to ever watch it. I do not feel like sitting through a sequel that was clearly not needed.

Rating: N/A

1408: This brought me back to the my childhood when I would go watch a scary movie late at night, then go home, and be scared to walk into my dark room. I almost slept with the light on. When I had trouble getting to sleep, I realized my thong underwear was just a bit too tight and changed into some boxer briefs.

Moral of the story: 1408 was scary enough that it revoked my "Man Card" for a few hours.

Go watch 1408 if you enjoy Stephen King, being scared, or at the very least, being entertained.

Rating: 3 stars

Live Free or Die Hard: Either Hollywood has really run out of ideas or Bruce Willis needs a paycheck. Regardless, I did not know what to expect when I heard this was being released.

The original film in the series, Die Hard, was amazing. It really went against the grain of action movies in '80s. I used to watch it with my dad. I can recite certain lines, remember most of the major scenes, and I still enjoy watching it to this day.

The second film, Die Hard 2, was solid, but clearly nowhere near as good as the original. It was entertaining, but I rarely can sit through it these days. In fact, I hardly remember the entire story. I just remember an airport.

The third film, Die Hard with a Vengeance, was a step up from the second film, but it was still nowhere near as impressive as the first. It took place in New York and Samuel L. Jackson was in it. I remember two things from this film, as opposed to only one thing from the second. I guess through the use of simple math, I remember this film about twice as much as the second.

So here we are, 12 years after the release of the third film. What is there left to say or do with John McClane?

Well, movie executives have decided to up the ante by taking the now old John McClane and puting him in new (and very exciting) situations.

As for the final product, the plot is ridiculous. No really, it is super ridiculous. I am fairly certain that studio executives sat around and pitched this to Bruce Willis, who sat back and probably pondered where his hair and career had gone. The fact that he did not have much else going on probably influenced his decision. Or maybe it was the fat paycheck.

Anyway, the plot is out of this world and makes zero logical sense. But the action scenes, which happen to be highly creative and exciting, kept me highly entertained.

And well, I guess that was the point.

Rating: 3.5 stars.

Ratatouille: This is one of the best, if not the best, animated films I have ever seen. It is a modern masterpiece. This is easily the best film I have seen all year, narrowly edging out Pan's Labyrinth.

Just watch it.

Rating: 4 stars.

(To be continued on Thursday)

ARCHIE GARCIA dedicates this column to all of the heroes from 9/11. Please e-mail him any comments, questions, and suggestions to sexandtheuniversity@hotmail.com

The 2007 SATU Review of Summer Movies (Part II)

By Archie Garcia

Note: This is Part II of a four part column.

Part II:

After a very lengthy introduction in the first part of the column, here is the 2007 SATU review of summer movies.

The SATU star rating:

5 stars: Masterpiece. This rating is very rare and is only given to special films that change cinema, redefine their respective genre, or create a new genre altogether. A 5-star film demands a special edition DVD purchase.

4 stars: Excellent. This rating ensures the directing, writing, and acting are of the highest quality. This rating warrants a DVD purchase.

3 stars: Good. This rating says that the film is made well enough to entertain and while it may not always deserve a DVD purchase, it will make a solid rental.

2 stars: Fair (or average). This rating shows that the film has its good and bad points. The film can entertain a times, but has its share of flaws. Rent at your own risk.

1 star: Poor. This rating is a red flag that tells you to stay clear of it. Do not rent. If a friend rents it and invites you over, tell them you are busy. Well, unless you are sexually attracted to that particular friend.

0 stars: Feces. This rating ensures that the film is garbage. All copies of should be burned. Or at the very least, the DVDs should be made into drink coasters.

Spider-Man 3: I waited three long years for the release of the third installment of the Spider-Man franchise. I loved the first two immensely and they both deserve to be in the upper echelon of films based on comic books or graphic novels.

As a movie aficionado, I really looked forward to this film because there was a chance for history to be made. If Spider-Man 3 was a hit like the first two films in the franchise, it would mark for the first time in history, the completion of the first great superhero movie trilogy. In the past, attempts have been made at filming a great superhero, comic book based trilogy. Unfortunately, each attempt failed.

Let's recount the past failed attempts at greatness.

Superman: Superman was the first attempt at a great superhero trilogy. The first film in the franchise, released in 1978, still holds up as a masterpiece in superhero filmmaking with a killer cast featuring Marlon Brando, playing Kal-El's father and Gene Hackman, playing the notorious villain, Lex Luthor. Both were Oscar winners in the past and laid the foundation that Oscar caliber talent can and should be utilized in superhero films, especially in the role of the villain.

The first film may have been great, but the second film began to show kinks in the Man of Steel's armor. The third film was terrible and many Superman fans just try to pretend the fourth film never happened. As a fan of Superman, I am happy Warner Bros. rebooted the franchise with the impressive; yet, underappreciated Superman Returns.

An important lesson was learned with the Superman franchise: Do not change directors in the middle of the franchise.

Initially, Richard Donner was filming both Superman and Superman II simultaneously. The producers grew impatient and felt Donner's approach was too serious for a "comic book" movie and subsequently fired Donner before he could complete the second film.

The producers then brought in Richard Lester to finish up the second installment, which was clearly nowhere near as good as the first. Lester then went on to direct Superman III, which was an epic failure. Clearly, bad directing is obviously kryptonite to Superman.

Needless to say, Richard Donner should have been afforded the opportunity to direct all three films.

Batman: The second attempt at a great superhero trilogy came about in 1989, with the release of Batman, directed by Tim Burton. It proved to be a smashing success.

He moved away from the campy feel and look from the television show from the '60s, Burton instead aimed for a dark portrayal of the Dark Knight. He also focused more attention on the villain of the film, the Joker, played amazingly by Jack Nicholson. Clearly, Warner Bros. learned that Oscar level talent in the villain role is important.

Sadly, Warner Bros. did not learn from their past mistakes as they switched directors again midway through the franchise. After the release of the second film in the franchise, Batman Returns, directed again by Burton who delivered yet another flawed, but ultimately awesome Batman film, the producers felt the franchise was too dark and serious.

They opted to replace Tim Burton with Joel Schumacher, who brought a campy feel to the franchise. Michael Keaton was not happy with this approach and did not return to play Batman in the third installment. Val Kilmer was hired to play the Caped Crusader in the mediocre Batman Forever. Eventually, Schumacher brought in George Clooney to play Batman in the fourth installment, Batman & Robin, which many Batman fans like to pretend never happened.

Well, it happened. And as we all know, shit happens.

After four films of varying success, the Joker, Catwoman, Penguin, Two-Face, Riddler, Mr. Freeze, and Poison Ivy could not kill Batman. Joel Schumacher, George Clooney, and nipples on the Batsuit killed Batman.

The Batman franchise experienced a reboot in 2005 with the release of Batman Begins, which could very well be the greatest film, based on a comic book or graphic novel. I am looking forward to The Dark Knight in 2008. I am hoping for the best.

Blade: The third attempt was the Blade franchise. The first two were solid, but the third had Ryan Reynolds being sarcastic and delivering cheesy one-liners while Wesley Snipes looked at him like he wanted to slit his throat the entire time.

X-Men: The fourth attempt was the X-Men franchise. The first installment, X-Men, was good, but after the release of the super amazing second installment, X2: X-Men United, it became even better in the eyes of fans. The first set up the second film so well that it was obvious to anyone with half a brain that director Bryan Singer had a plan and a vision for the franchise.

Unfortunately, Singer left to direct Superman Returns and asked Fox to wait for him. Instead, Fox opted to let Brett Ratner direct the third installment. Singer pieced together a beautiful, complex story over the course of two films and Ratner just defecated all over his work with brainless action scenes.

Spiderman is now the fifth attempt at a great superhero trilogy. Clearly, Spider-Man 3 had a lot going for it. They brought back the talented director from the first two films, Sam Raimi. The cast stayed intact. In addition, they brought on two new talented actors, Thomas Haden Church and Topher Grace, to play the villains.

Did it succeed?

No. Spider-Man 3 was a mediocre film that lacked an essential ingredient that makes any film, regardless of what it is based on, great. The ingredient is not explosions, or special effects, or big-name actors.

The ingredient is focus.

Spider-Man 3 lacked focus. There were too many things going on for the film to work in 2.5-hours. Raimi truly needed 4-hours to fit everything in. Originally, Raimi wanted to just focus on the Sandman and leave Venom out. But studio executives are not just out to make movies, they are out to make movies that make money. This means merchandise must be sold. And clearly, Venom would look cool on a lunchbox, t-shirt, or as part of a toy collection.

Raimi had to fit an origin story for Sandman, Venom, Hobglobin, and of course Peter Parker's troubles at home, work, and with his girlfriend, Mary Jane. Clearly, it all felt too rushed and underdeveloped, when compared to the grace of the plot and character development of first two films.

This film does showcase killer actions sequences and special effects to merit a 3-star rating. Unfortunately, a half-star had to be deducted for the terrible "emo" scene involving Peter Parker. I hated that scene so much I was trying to slit my wrists with my soda straw in the theater.

In conclusion, Spider-Man 3 fails to be as great as the first two films in the franchise and the movie world still waits for the first great superhero trilogy.

Rating: 2.5 stars

28 Weeks Later: I have watched 28 Days Later, directed by Danny Boyle, several times. I felt it was everything Resident Evil should have been.

Director Danny Boyle is not back this time around. However, Juan Carlos Fresnadillo does an admirable job. I must admit the film has a solid premise, with it taking place half a year after the events of the first film. London is trying to clean up the mess caused by the rage virus. It has a solid set up, but the execution is like every other horror movie with scares every 10-minutes or so.

In the end, I was entertained by this enjoyable, but ultimately forgettable sequel.

Rating: 2.5 stars.

Shrek the Third: The first Shrek film was amazing. It was a true masterpiece that needed no sequels. The second, I watched begrudgingly, but I was thoroughly entertained and laughed the whole way through. Sure, no one will laugh at those jokes in the future since they will be super dated pop-culture references, but I laughed and that was all that matters.

Shrek was timeless and Shrek 2 was well-written for moment. Unfortunately, Shrek the Third does not exhibit any of those qualities.

Shrek the Third milks the first two films since you care about the lead characters and do not want to see them lose to the villain, Prince Charming. But other than that, it does not have much going for it as a movie. It was mildly entertaining. And by mildly entertaining, I mean I looked up on occasion from eating nachos, popcorn, and Milk Duds.

I would have given Shrek the Third three stars, but Justin Timberlake has such an annoying speaking voice that I had to deduct it a half-star. JT should stay away from movies. He brings nothing to the table, except for a crappy speaking voice, terrible hair, an ugly nose, and his legion of idiotic female fans.

Rating: 2.5 stars.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End: In 1999, The Matrix was released and it was amazing. Due do its international success, greedy studio executives decided to make it trilogy and the second installment was mediocre and the third was downright terrible. I remember watching the third film on DVD and wondering how a big piece of shit managed to make it inside my DVD player.

In 2003, the first POC movie was released and it was entertaining. Once it became super successful, greedy Disney executives decided on making it a trilogy. The second film was a flaming turd sandwich.

Well, I have learned from my mistakes, so why in my right mind would I want to watch a third installment in a trilogy that was not planned, especially when the second installment in the trilogy was not good at all?

Well, a bunch of idiots went to go watch it, even though the reviews were horrid. I stayed at home, used my $10 on some Chinese food, ate well, and then went to the bathroom and gave birth to Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and 3 at the same time. I then looked at it and was more entertained than I ever could have been watching POTC 3, which is essentially an acronym for Pirates of the Caribbean 3 or Piece of Toilet Crap 3.

At this point, they pretty much mean the same thing.

Rating: N/A

(To be continued next Tuesday)

ARCHIE GARCIA is not easily satisfied. Tell him if you are satisfied with his summer movie reviews at sexandtheuniversity@hotmail.com

The 2007 SATU Review of Summer Movies (Part I)

By Archie Garcia

Note: This is a four part column. Part I compares the cost of a night at the movies versus a night out drinking; whereas, Parts II, III, and IV has the summer movie reviews. If the reviews are all that interest you, please feel free to skip Part II.

Part I:

A year ago, I wrote a column that reviewed every film I watched during the summer movie season, which is the first weekend of May through the last weekend of August. I felt the summer movie season would be an opportune time to deliver 17 quick and quirky movie reviews filled with trivial commentary for the following reasons.

1) Blockbuster movie appeal: Summer is the season where movie studios usually release their big blockbuster hits, which masses of people flock to so they can all collectively shut off their brains for a a couple hours.

Remember, if you act like an idiot by yourself, then you are an idiot. If you act like an idiot with other people, well, then you can convince yourself that you are not being an idiot. And if you are acting like an idiot with others, you are most likely drinking booze at a frat party, drinking poison in a cult suicide, or drinking a 32-ounce bucket of calories (soda) at a movie theater while watching blockbuster movie.

The movies released during the winter movie season, which is January through February, tend to be anywhere between dreadfully awful and downright terrible. This is when movie studios release crappy movies that they do not know how to market or are well aware of how much they suck. Clearly, I can't write about movies I do not watch.

The spring movie season, which runs from March to the end of April, tends to have a mixed bag of releases, but not enough for a SATU column worth of reviews.

The fall movie season, which runs from September to December, has some great Oscar worthy releases early on and several Blockbusters down the stretch, but it does not have the reading appeal of the summer movie season. Why would I want to write about slow moving, Oscar-worthy films released during this time that many people, namely my small readership, do not watch?

I personally love the fall movie season, but writing about something people that very few people care about is not of interest for me. This is why I chose to write about sex and relationships for four years. Everybody loves sex. Well, except for nuns, panda bears, and every girl I have ever dated.

2) People like to read what they know about: The summer movie season is filled with brainless action films and comedies, which attract masses of people. This is more appealing to read about and discuss since there is a good chance people out there may have seen the film.

3) Weather: Summer is super hot and movie theaters offer climate changing technology, also known as extreme air conditioning that helps you escape from the 100-degree summer heat.

Due to these three reasons, I felt a summer movie review column was necessary. But in the process of writing and posting it, I discovered something very interesting: My readers do not go to their local movie theater all that much, if at all.

Sure, some of them watch films on occasion at home on DVD, but they definitely do not frequent the cinema as much as I do. I had some readers who only go to the movies maybe once or twice in a 4-month span.

As strange as that seems to me, I can understand why this is the case for people. I spend my free time during the summer watching movies. However, not everyone is like me. Some like going to the beach for fun. Others like to listen to live music with their friends. And some, like to go get drunk at a bar, act like an idiot, and then go home and puke.

As long as others are doing it with you, then you do not feel like an idiot (as much).

But what I could not understand were the comments and e-mails I was receiving regarding my frequent movie watching. Many asked if I was rich. I am not. Others asked how I could afford to go to the movies all the time. To be honest, I never felt a strain on my wallet. And a few, told me I needed a life. This could very well be true.

The interesting discovery here was the belief that going the movies was expensive. As if it was some sort of luxury that many could not afford. After thinking it through, I felt it was time for another SATU math lesson.

The approximate costs involved on a trip to the cinema:

Approximate cost of a general admission movie ticket: $10

Approximate cost of a matinee admission movie ticket: $7

Approximate cost of sneaking into a second film: $0

Approximate cost of sneaking into a third film: $0

Approximate cost of popcorn: $4

Approximate cost of candy: $4

Approximate cost of soda: $4

Approximate time spent on a trip to the cinema: 2.5 hours

Analysis: At any time during the summer, I can head down to the local cinema looking like a slob and buy a movie ticket for $10. If I go early, it is $7. If I feel like popcorn, candy, or maybe a soda, I can plunk down another $4 to $12, depending on how many items I purchase. Clearly, these items are overpriced, but so is alcohol at bar, lounge, or club.

In the end, my trip costs around $20, if I happen to splurge on snacks. If not, my trip costs me $10. After about a time investment of 2 to 2.5 hours, I am free to do with my day as I see fit. I can sneak into another movie, go home, or even go out drinking.

The approximate costs involved on a night of drinking:

Approximate cost of entering a bar, lounge, or club: $0-$20

Approximate cost of a beer: $4 (not including tip)

Approximate cost of a cheap drink: $6 (not including tip)

Approximate cost of an average drink: $8 (not including tip)

Approximate cost of expensive drink: $10 (not including tip)

Approximate cost of late night eating at a fast food joint: $6

Approximate cost of late night eating at a sit-down restaurant: $10 (not including tip)

Approximate time spent on a night of drinking: 5 hours

Analysis: If I wanted to go out and drink socially, I would have to dress accordingly, taking into account the venue's dress code. This would require a certain amount of grooming, which takes a little bit of time for me (and an eternity for the average woman).

Once I reach my target destination, I might be forced to pay a cover. At some places, it could be as high as $20. Upon entering, I would purchase a drink, more often than not a shot, which would cost me around $6. One good turn deserves another and I would need a beer or another drink to keep my buzz going. This would be another $4 to $8. Of course, at this point, it would still only be 10:30 P.M. and I would need another drink every 45-minutes to an hour. This would potentially amount to, at the very least, another $18 dollars if I drink cheaply the rest of the evening.

After spending, approximately $30 at the bar, I would then have to close out my tab and tip the person that was poisoning me another $4.50 to $9 (15 to 30-percent), depending on the attentiveness of the service. I would then be hungry and this would add another $5 to $10 dollars to my evening. I will say $6 because I wanted to get home to masturbate as soon as possible, using the curly fry grease as a lubricant.

If we do the math, I spent approximately $35 (including 15-percent tip) at the bar (and not including potential cover). I spent an additional $6 on Jack in the Box. In the morning, I wake up to sticky toilet paper all around me, two receipts that combine to total over $40, and a slight headache.

After drinking several glasses of water and Gatorade throughout the day, I figure I need a day at the movies since it is not only cheaper ($20 vs. $40), but I also will not have a headache the next day, making me lethargic and useless for several hours.

Conclusion to findings: Clearly, a trip to the movies is far cheaper than drinking socially. However, people will go out drinking once a week and not think twice, but consider a weekly movie visit a luxury that they cannot afford.

The truth is, people would rather go out and drink because alcohol is a drug. People want to pay to be poisoned. And plus, you can potentially get laid if you go drink at a bar. It is doubtful you get laid going to the movies. Well, unless your name is Andrew Beckett.

Wow, that was a dated pop culture reference. I watch way too many movies.

(To be continued on Thursday)

ARCHIE GARCIA loves to over analyze his spending habits. Tell him what you think about this column at sexandtheuniversity@hotmail.com

R.I.P. Cantina del Cabo

By Archie Garcia

This past Friday, Cantina del Cabo, my favorite all-time bar in Davis closed its doors. This was such earth shattering news to many old classmates of mine. I was receiving sad e-mails and texts about it all weekend.

Rather than write a weepy column over my favorite all-time bar in college, I have opted to list my top 13 Cantina del Cabo memories.

13. DJ Crap Sandwich: There was DJ who was there every single Thursday. I had no idea what his name really may have been, so I affectionately nicknamed him "DJ Crap Sandwich." He may have been the single worst DJ in history. And yes, downtown Davis had him locked up all week at several different bars. But only the "Mantina" had him Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.

12. The DJ Crap Sandwich Remix: Every Thursday without fail, the aforementioned single worst DJ in history, DJ Crap Sandwich, would play top 40 songs that were at least 4 months behind in terms of pop culture relevance.

Since he never played records and his CDs were all burned copies that he did not take care of very well, at least one of his CDs would inevitably be scratched. Every night, a scratched CD would be played and the same two lyrics would loop over and over again. This is where I would always shout out:

"It's the reeeeee-mix!"

11. Cutting in line every week: When it came to "Cantina del Carne," if you arrived at 9:45 P.M., then you were too early. If you arrived at 10:15 P.M., then you were too late. The line would stretch half a mile looping around the hotel adjacent to the bar. The bouncers wanted to make you believe the place was packed with hot women, an amazing sound system, and awesome drink specials all night long.

Unfortunately, all you had at 10:15 P.M. were a few future AA members already drunk, dancing to DJ Crap Sandwich while they imbibed watered down, overpriced alcoholic beverages. Essentially, they were building up hype, which was futile since downtown Davis is full of regulars that know what to expect from each bar in the town.

This was fine and dandy in the summer, but certainly not when it was it cold outside. In the end, all the drinking that was done earlier goes to waste and your buzz is killed in the cold while you stare at girls hold their arms close to their chest, while they sniffle in their most risqué outfits.

However, if you knew the right people, you could always cut in line as long as you had a small group. If you had more than two people with you the natives would grow restless.

10. The ultra random Davis Middle School reunion: One random Saturday evening, I found myself completely alone. All of my roommates went home for the weekend or something. I decided to pick up something to eat and then see what was going on at the 'tina. As per usual on a Saturday, not a whole lot was going on.

However, I did run into a small group of about 15 people or so. I approached them and asked what was going on and apparently, 20-years ago, they all went to Davis Middle School. They were all trying to get down to DJ Crap Sandwich's awful music.

Feeling inspired, I walked back to my car and pulled out my CD wallet. A CD wallet? Wow, I feel so old.

Anyway, I grabbed some CDs and walked back to the Cantina. I had DJ Crap Sandwich play some Def Leppard, Michael Jackson, and Prince. And predictably, this got the older folks dancing.

When the ladies learned from the DJ that I saved the evening with my collection of music, they all kept asking me to dance. At the Cantina, learning happened outside the classroom. I totally aced "Hunting Cougars 101."

9. East Davis Gangsta: I vaguely remember all the details since I was pretty damn drunk when it happened, but one time I was walking to Cantina with some pals, when I saw this random high school kid trying to get into a frat party. Unfortunately, they would not let him inside because they feared getting in trouble for allowing underage drinking.

Translation: He did not have a vagina.

The kid starts to grow annoyed. Please take note that he is a goofy looking, skinny Caucasian kid. He just happens to think he is African-American. Fair enough. Eminem was huge back then. I forgive the idiot.

He takes a swig from his malt liquor and says something negative about the frat. Most of the frat brothers ignore the kid, but one steroid infused frat guy feels insulted and proceeds to knock the kid down, spilling his malt liquor in the process. The frat guy thinks he is the coolest guy on earth. I cannot forgive this particular idiot.

Anyway, the kid gets back up and he gets knocked down again and then some other frat guy comes over and kicks him while he is down. Eventually, a third guy comes over and kicks him. Classy move, guys.

The kid decides to cut his losses and shouts that he will be back with his boys to settle the score. He proceeds to leave the crowd by shouting out:

"You will learn not to mess with East Davis, bitch!"

8. Karaoke night: I could write another column altogether about karaoke in Davis, but let's just say one time at the Cantina I had the ladies practically tear all of my clothes off as I sang "You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC. And I can't even sing. Yes, the ladies at the Cantina were that crazy.

7. Lesbian Night: One random night at the Cantina, a girl walks over and says hello. She was a friend of mine from my part-time job that employed a large amount of gays. No, I am not gay.

The last time I saw her, she was graduating and still dating her longtime girlfriend that was more masculine than I could ever be.

So I guess things had changed since she graduated. She was wearing make up. Her nails were painted. She smelled nice. I figured it was so she could look presentable for her job, as she was a recruiter for a company in the Bay Area and was looking for new talent in Davis.

Well, she was looking for more than just talent as she asked me to walk her to her hotel room, which was in the hotel adjacent to the Cantina. From there, she opened up a bottle of Jack and we started chatting. I was too stupid to realize what she was doing, but I was able to get out of there before anything happened. I was still too young (and stupid) to handle a situation like that.

Plus, what if I "turned" her gay again?

I was not ready to live with that kind of embarrassment. These days, I really have no shame.

6. Popcorn Party: After a long night of drinking at the Cantina (this is obviously does not start well so it will not end well), I managed to get a ride back to where "Krayzee Syko X 666" lived, which was a dorm on campus. There was a "$2 well drink" special that particular evening. I never drink well drinks because they are gross and give me hangovers, but I was broke that week so I compromised. What a terrible decision.

I woke up in a huge pile of popcorn on the floor. Seriously, I was in a small and somewhat comfortable bed of popcorn. My brain ached. It felt like someone beat my head with a hammer. I looked up at Krayzee Syko X 666 and tapped her arm that was slightly hanging off the bed. She wakes up and looks down on me, literally and figuratively.

"Hit the sauce a little too hard, precious?" She asks not even bothering to offer me any water.

She fills me in the night's details since I blacked out as soon as I arrived to her place. I was super drunk and tripping balls or something because I called Krazyee Syko X 666 the "Terminator." I then felt the need to announce that she was going to kill me. I proceed to run around the halls trying to escape her. After several laps around the halls, she finally grabs hold of me and says:

"Come with me if you want to live."

She was a huge Terminator fan. In fact, she still has my damn DVDs. Anyway, upon entering her room I decide I wanted to eat popcorn. She had two large bags, as in Costco garbage bags full of popcorn. But instead of opening them up properly, I just tore into them and pretended I was in heaven or something. After eating several handfuls, I passed out. The lack of water and a real late night meal caused me to have the hangover from Hell.

From that day forward, I promised myself I would never have a cheap well drink ever again. Not only do they taste bad and give you a nasty hangover, but it also makes you hallucinate and see things that are not there. I seriously thought I was being chased by the Terminator and that laying in a bed of popcorn was heaven. Only at the Cantina could they serve hallucinogens and get away with it.

5. Show and Tell: After a long night of drinking at the Cantina (here we go again), everyone goes back to my buddy Cory's house for an after party. My friends start playing strip poker in hopes of getting the one girl present at the party naked. I do not like the odds and refused to play. I will only strip down if the ratio is 1 to 1. With that said, I settled down, turned on Cory's old school NES, and played Tecmo Bowl.

I laying down in the small living room area and surrounded by couches, so people forget that I am even there. So much so, they go off to skinny dip and forget to invite me or lock the door.

At about 4 or 5 A.M., I was on a huge winning streak with the Chicago Bears, using Walter Payton on offense and Mike Singletary on defense. At this point, two of my buddies come in through the back patio door. We will call them TM and CJ. They are looking for towels since they just got back from skinny dipping.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the most disturbing; yet, humorous scene. They decide to stand face to face and stare at each other. Their eyes move down to their penises and they start laughing at each other's penises.

"Look at yours. It's all fat and short," CJ says pointing and laughing.

"Well, yours is long, but really skinny," TM responds.

They trade verbal jabs at each other's junk. They giggle. Then they slap each other's junk. They giggle again. I was not sure whether to laugh or cry. At this point, I shout out:

"Touchdown!"

I wanted them to know I was there before they took it any further.

"Archie! What the hell! Quit playing that stupid video game from the '80s and go get some pussy, you homo!" CJ yells at me.

Two guys are playing penis games and they still claim I am the gay one. Go figure.

4. Picnic Day recap night: Picnic Day is amazing. After a full day of drinking, we all decide to go to the Cantina. Once there, we start to recap the events of our day. Guys brag about how much all of the beer they drank and eventually, some guys start to brag about the women they hooked up with that day.

CJ and PB were the bigger winners that day. But little did they know they would have to share the grand prize.

"Yeah, I hooked up with Lindsey today!" CJ brags.

"I hooked up with Lindsey too!" PB brags back.

Then they realize that they both said the same name. As it turns it out, they both hooked up with the same girl on the same day, a few hours apart. And like clockwork, she was at the Cantina that evening as well. She left with some random guy that night. I looked over at CJ and PB and said:

"I guess she is going for the Picnic Day 'threepeat' or something."

3. Halloween 2002: This was a truly memorable night at the Cantina since I put my costume together about an hour before going. I just threw on a black shirt, tight black pants, and black boots (that were all clothing items from Banana Republic). I then went to the local Halloween shop and purchased a black mask and a cheap plastic sword. Voila! I was a (metrosexual) Zorro.

The night was fun for many reasons, but the main reason was that a girl that hated me with every fiber of her being saw me in my outfit and felt the need to hit on me. She tried to make out with me several times. She had no idea it was me. And if she did, well then, this is why I love the Cantina. Halloween can only take you so far, but the Cantina truly took away all limits.

2. Halloween 2003: This was such an amazing night, I wrote a column about it. It was entitled "The walk of shame" and it was posted June 1, 2004. Look it up.

And yes, I have given up on hyperlinks for now.

1. Living on the wild side: There was a once a Cantina regular that shall remain nameless since she is now a public figure on television. She was a major drunk that could dance better than any girl in the Cantina, but preferred to be at the bar, downing drinks, and being the center of attention.

We were friends early in college, but after a night of sober stupidity, where we made a foolish decision or two without the use of any alcohol, everything changed between us. She started to resent me if I did anything that annoyed her, which was approximately 98.7-percent of the time.

Anyway, at the Cantina she used me for interesting conversation since her constant stream of boyfriends were pretty much as interesting as the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy. In other words, they may have been flashy, but ultimately, they were boring and lacked any substance.

So one particular night, my old friend who shall still remain nameless got a bit too tipsy for her own good and wanted to do shots. But right before a Patron shot, she introduced me to her new boyfriend. He seemed particularly bored just looking at me. He was disinterested in anything I had to say and turned around to talk to his entourage.

At this point, we downed our shots. She then looks at me and pulls my face and kisses me. We totally made out profusely, right at the bar for everyone to see. Her boyfriend had his back turned still, but I am sure he would be interested to look at me now.

She then pulls away from my face and looks me in the eye. She starts to babble about always having feelings for me. Physically, she did not need booze to have fun. But emotionally, she needed all the booze she could lay her hands on to open up. Anyway, she then looks at me with what I think are tears in her eyes and says:

"Archie. My boyfriend has a hairy back. He has hair all over his back!"

She then hugs me tight and I swear she cries a little on the collar of my shirt. Since she wears a lot of make up, it ruined my shirt.

She then pretends to get sick. I can tell because she was an actress and well, she winked at me as she was leaving. She leaves the Cantina. I stand at the bar trying to process all that just happened, when I receive a text message from her asking me to come over. I bid everyone adieu. And I made sure to say bye to her boyfriend too. Yet again, he barely acknowledged my existence.

I desperately wanted to whisper this in his hear:

"Watch your back, kid. Someone might just shave the rug growing on it. Or steal your girlfriend."

Instead I walked over to her house.

Only at the 'tina. Only at the 'tina.

R.I.P. Cantina del Cabo
?-?-1994 - 6-23-2007
Where the boys became men and the girls became sluts.

ARCHIE GARCIA will miss the Cantina. Share your stories about your favorite college bars. E-mail them to sexandtheuniversity@hotmail.com

R.I.P. S.A.T.U.

By Archie Garcia

Almost four years ago around this time, I was in a deteriorating relationship that was on its last legs.

Back in 2003, I was with a girl that loved me and would do everything she could to make our relationship work. Unfortunately, while I loved her, I knew I did not care enough to salvage our crumbling relationship. She was motivated; whereas, I was not.

I had been trying to terminate the relationship and had several opportunities to do so. I wanted it to be over, but I always failed to cut the cord. It was mostly due to fear of the unknown.

In the past, there were times where I wanted something to be over. I would want it so bad, but when it came close to happening, I always got scared of what the future held for me. This happened with high school. This happened with college. And clearly, this happened with Kelley.

This how I found myself entering the final year of my undergraduate career, still stuck in a relationship with Kelley. Around this time, The California Aggie issued their yearly announcement that they were looking weekly columnists. Kelley practically forced me to apply. She knew I would not do so own my own.

Kelley knew me as well as anybody had at that stage of my life. Unfortunately, I did not know myself very well back then. To this day, I still I do not in certain aspects of my life. Luckily, I met someone like Kelley and stayed with her long enough to write three sample columns and submit them to my university paper for review.

Nearly four years later, I know myself a whole lot better than I did at age 22. The combination of time, maturity, and general life experience helped. But I also have Sex and the University to thank for my personal growth. And by Sex and the University, I mean the (occasionally painstaking) process of writing weekly columns, posting them online, and of course, my (small and loyal) readership that made it all worthwhile in the end.

I had no idea that when I started writing for my school paper that I would continue to write weekly columns for four full academic calendar years, but it just so happened to work out that way.

I would consider the 2005-2006 school year to be the apex of my writing. But during this time, I knew I wanted to accomplish other things in life. This is why I announced exactly a year in advance that SATU would be ending (in a year). I wanted to go out on my own terms and I knew I did not have much left in me to keep writing at a weekly pace. I could not have been more right.

This past school year, as I anticipated, I have found my writing slowing down. I have wanted to blame it on having two jobs, playing on three soccer teams, and being in a serious relationship. But in the past, I would write columns while talking online, while at work, and sometimes scribbling them down on napkins when I ate alone.

The truth is, this past year, I have simply lost the motivation to write. The ideas stopped coming to me. The words stopped coming to me. And with it, I lost the drive to write on a weekly basis. With each passing column, I could sense that SATU was becoming a chore for me. In the past, it was something I looked forward to. Just like an aging athlete, I could no longer will myself to keep going. I was done, but of course, I had a few columns left to finish.

Some of these final columns were difficult for me, especially the ones about Shezadi. I had to sit down and analyze myself as a person, a friend, and romantic relationship partner. Writing about my failures with Shezadi were some of the most difficult, but rewarding columns for me to finish.

I am glad I took the time to write and post them. I now have four full academic calendar years worth of writing posted on the Internet. In a weird way, I feel a strange sense of accomplishment.

Over the course of the past four years, readers have come and gone. Some readers that used to e-mail me or instant message weekly after a new posting have disappeared off the face of the net. I have no idea whatever happened to them. I guess they too wanted to accomplish other things in life. Or maybe they just lost all motivation to read my writing. It may have become a chore for them.

Whatever the case, I still want to thank each and every reader out there that read my writing.

There may have been a point in their life during those past four years, where SATU meant something to them when they read it. Well, it meant a lot to me when I wrote it. It is hard to imagine how my life would have been without SATU. It is even harder to imagine how my life will be without it.

I am not sure how life will be without a weekly deadline to finish a column. It will be weird to turn on my monitor and not see Microsoft Word open with some half finished column up on the screen. I am not sure of what my life will become or how this will change me. There are a lot of unanswered questions that I will have to figure out the answers to on my own.

In the past, there were times where I wanted something to be over. I would want it so bad, but when it came close to happening, I always got scared of what the future held for me. This happened with high school. This happened with college. This happened with Kelley.
And to be honest, this is happening with Sex and the University as well.

As much as I am a bit nervous about ending SATU, I know that deep down I am prepared to lay SATU to rest. I am ready to close this chapter of my life.

R.I.P. S.A.T.U.
October 21, 2003 - June 12, 2007
It meant something to some, but it meant everything to one.

ARCHIE GARCIA wants to thank every single reader of SATU for reading his work over the past four years. Without you, SATU would not have been possible. Please feel free to e-mail him at sexandtheuniversity@hotmail.com

The 2006-07 SATU TV Review

By Archie Garcia

It is June and every show I watch, with the exception of The Sopranos have conclude their respective seasons. Here is a brief recap and review of my thoughts on each show.

24: I have to admit, Season 6 was downright ridiculous. I do not even want to go into detail just how over the top and ludicrous this past season was. Season 6 was by far, the worst season for the show. But as terrible as the plots were, this did not stop me from watching every week.

Granted, this show was amazing for half a decade, but at the same time, I am now tuning into a bad show every week. I think I need to see a doctor. I might be turning into a woman.

Desperate Housewives: After a lackluster Season 2, I had low expectations for Season 3. Well, Season 2 was clearly cursed by the sophomore slump. This show has come back strong this year and has set up Season 4 quite nicely. I can't wait.

Yes, I am a fan of Desperate Housewives. I could very well be turning into a woman. As the legendary David Lee Roth sang (in Van Halen):

"Somebody get me a doctor!"

Everybody Hates Chris: Honestly, I did not watch a single episode of this show, even though I truly enjoyed it last year. I was too lazy to keep up on it. I'll be sure to add it to my queue on Netflix. Or maybe find it somewhere online.

Grey's Anatomy: If I wanted to watch garbage, I would just watch every Barry Zito start for the San Francisco Giants.

The Giants totally overpaid for a mediocre starting pitcher. Maybe they should get the other Barry on the roster to give him some steroids.

Heroes: This is an awesome new show, but I would not consider it the best new show of the year. Keep reading to find out what show is worthy of that praise.

My Name is Earl: I enjoyed the first season immensely, but I was too lazy to keep up on it this year. It is queued up on my Netflix.

I wonder if women tune into this show. Jason Lee is totally cute, but in the show Mr. Lee is sporting a thick mustache and dresses like a slob. Do women find this hot?

I am just curious. This stuff truly interests me. If Brad Pitt grew a big beard that stretched down to his chest and shaved his head, would the average girl still want to ravage him?

The O.C.: This show ended in February. Season 3 was terrible, but Season 4 was the best season since the first. Unfortunately, Season 3 stunk so bad that many people stayed away from Season 4. But yeah, it's the end of an era.

R.I.P. The O.C.

Tear.

The Office: Since Arrested Development is no longer on the air, this is the best show on television. I look forward to it every week. And I will definitely be purchasing the Season 3 DVD as soon as it is released.

The Sopranos: The final portion of Season 6 started this past April. The final episode will air next week. I can't wait. I am not sure how I will handle the end of this show. It meant so much to me in college.

I would sit there and pound out episode after episode on DVD, so enthralled with what was happening on screen that I failed to notice the amount of Cheetos' dust on my shirt. I was such a disgusting slob. Sometimes, I wonder how I ever had a girlfriend in college.

This show is definitely going out on top. I want to scream with excitement.

Only three more days until the series finale!

By the way, it is only five for days until the final Sex and the University column.

Wow. The end truly is near.

Ugly Betty: Wow, this show has stolen my heart. It mixes drama and comedy so well. It is the best new show of the year.

The Wire: This past year, I have started watching The Wire on DVD. Wow. Do not hesitate to queue this how up on your Netflix. It is the best show on television and by far, the best show I have ever seen.

Upon completion of this mini-column, I have come to the realization that I watch entirely too much television.

ARCHIE GARCIA needs to spend less time in front of the television and more time on the treadmill. Or maybe he can combine these two pastimes like he did drinking and softball. E-mail him at sexandtheuniversity@hotmail.com